The Worst of Philip K. Dick

For Dickheads Only editor, Dave Hyde, ran his "Best of PKD" poll for a few issues, with some interesting and (to me) unexpected results. Not wanting to be outdone, I decided to conduct my very own "Worst of PKD" poll to see what I could come up with. The results are every bit as interesting.

To begin with, I had a little help. A computer newsgroup known as "rec.arts.sf.written" on Usenet (an electronic mail system) conducted their own Best-of poll (VALIS won). All I had to do was head straight to the bottom of their list and see who lost. It was Our Friends from Frolix 8 in dead last, with Counter-Clock World, Deus Irae, Solar Lottery, The Game-Players of Titan, and The Zap Gun all tying for the penultimate position. All in all, 176 votes were tabulated in the Usenet poll - a respectable return, in my opinion.

Next I surveyed the approximately 140 subscribers to a now-defunct Philip K. Dick computer mailing list. Only a few chose to respond, but I did get a few interesting replies. One NASA employee who prefers to remain anonymous said, "... I would like to share with you my personal opinion of PKD's worst book: Martian Time-Slip. It's well thought-out, well-crafted, and certainly chock full of innovative ideas, but coming from an author with some knowledge of mental health problems, it shows an amazing insensitivity and lack of empathy for the learning-disabled... I guess he did the same thing with Clans of the Alphane Moon, but autism as a "hook" for an SF story strikes me as just plain cruel." Hmm... I never thought of it that way before. I've always kind of liked Martian Time-Slip, myself.

Peter Fenelon of York, England said, "The only PKD novel I've found less than fascinating is The Simulacra. Don't ask me why, but it just fails to take off - everything in it seems cribbed from other PKD novels, there's too much intrigue and not enough plot, there's precious little of PKD's dark humour, and it just gives an impression of being a piece of hack-work." No argument there, Peter. Another respondent, known only as John, said that for PKD's worst novel, "I'd have to nominate The Cosmic Puppets (although Dr. Futurity is a close second). Yuck! I hated this book. And the scene at the end where the hero drives off between what are obviously two giant breasts was the worst - talk about catering to the lowest common denominator." Would it have helped any, John, if they were small breasts?

Lastly, UCLA's I.J. Horne said, "My least favorite is The Zap Gun. It is just too pointless for words. For once, Dick just took the nuttiness and improvised plotting too far, and, unlike most of Dick's books which just zip along, this one is really quite lackluster in treatment. Although The Blue Cephalopod Man from Titan comic book made me laugh. My next-to-least favorite is Our Friends from Frolix 8. Although better-executed, it's also just pointless. Then comes The Ganymede Takeover. I don't know why, but I just can't stand the book. Maybe it's Ray Nelson's contribution that bugs me, but something sure does."

OK, here's my vote for the worst of PKD. PKD himself mentioned his idea of personal Hell as being condemned to reading Vulcan's Hammer over and over for eternity. I can't say it seemed very inspired to me. Phil often agreed with interviewers who panned any of his books, either out of a perverse pleasure of some sort, or in an attempt to humor the interviewer or not offend him, whatever. I think it was Gregg Rickman who told Phil that Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? was the worst thing he ever wrote (imagine that!) and Phil readily agreed - probably chuckling to himself inside. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? is fantastic; shame on Rickman or whomever that was.

Larry Sutin names Galactic Pot-Healer as his favorite, but I rank it pretty low, along with Our Friends from Frolix 8. Of course, it's been 10 or 15 years since I read it, so maybe I should read it again to be fair. Of PKD's older stuff, I can't say The Man Who Japed, The Crack in Space, The Unteleported Man, The Simulacra, etc. seemed really inspired. Not to say that all of these don't have good ideas in them - they just didn't grab me like some of his others. Even so, all should be read to fully understand where Phil was coming from.

My personal all-time least-favorite PKD novel - and I expect this to start a debate - is A Maze of Death. I can't believe it when people pick this as their favorite. It sucks! The characters are flat, they get killed off for no reason before you even have time to learn what they're like, everything is stereotyped, there's no plotting (only plodding), and the "it's all a dream" ending is totally contrived. P.U. - this stinks! The large type and big spaces between lines and around margins are a dead giveaway - this is a wanker that the publisher tried to stretch out to 200 pages so it could capitalize on another novel by an author who was selling books. What a piece!